Fact Not Fiction provides resources that teach people about sex education and help them to make better and healthier choices. Check out this helpful thread via Twitter for parents, high schoolers, and young adults about sexual violence and why you should be able to have open conversations regarding sex and autonomy.
As a researcher who studies college sexual assault, one of the most common questions I’m asked is, “My daughter is starting college soon and I’m so concerned about campus sexual violence. What do I do as a parent?” Here’s my answer:
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
The reality is that nothing you or your daughter can do will guarantee that she won’t experience violence in college. Victims don’t “cause” rape, which means they can’t necessarily prevent it either.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
The very best thing you can do is develop an open and non-judgmental relationship with your daughter around issues of sex and her personal autonomy. Those are the best predictors that survivors will talk to their parents following an assault.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
Having a parent’s support is important and it’s something that most college-age survivors I’ve interviewed worry about. They worry about being judged and blamed by their parents. They worry about a parent’s over-the-top emotional reactions. Prove in advance they can trust you.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
As a part of this, drop the lectures on risk reduction techniques. Parents who taught their daughters not to drink too much or go out alone after dark are the parents my participants least want to tell about their assaults.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
That being said, there is one intervention targeting women that–while in early stages–has been able to reduce sexual violence rates. The focus isn’t on rape prevention tips, but on feminist empowerment. https://t.co/M74MA2gPpR
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
The part I find most compelling are the lessons on un-learning a traditional feminine gender role. Basic stuff like, “You don’t have to continue a conversation with a guy that you aren’t enjoying just to be polite.”
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
If I think about those lessons in the context of a child’s home, this is the advice I’d offer: Let your daughters blow off their dad sometimes. Let them question his authority. Let them talk back. Let them leave the room in the middle of an argument.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
Build a relationship between a father and daughter that teaches her that she is equal to men. That she has the right to set her own boundaries and see them respected.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
This will be especially important if the greatest risk to her is an authority figure (e.g., a professor, coach, doctor). But it will also apply when the threat is a peer.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
My favorite part about this approach? Even though it can’t eradicate sexual assault, it reduced self-blame in women who underwent the training and then experienced sexual assault. They knew they should have been treated better. They knew they didn’t deserve what happened to them.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
Reduced self-blame is a big deal. It is associated with reduced trauma symptoms and a greater capacity to seek help from both formal and informal resources.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
I want to reiterate that that is your responsibility as a parent to a college woman: not to prevent sexual assault, but to make it less harmful if it does happen.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
My other big piece of advice is to hold your daughter’s college of choice accountable. Because the college CAN prevent sexual assault and protect your daughter in a way you will never be able to.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
Ask about sexual assault prevention and response on campus. Ask how fraternities are regulated. Ask what kind of prevention training the football team gets. Ask about the expulsion rate in Title IX cases. (And show visible disappointment if it’s low.)
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
Ask what resources are available for survivors. Ask how they are funded and if there are plans to expand them. Ask about the training professors receive on supporting the survivors in their classes. Ask to see the victim advocacy office. (Then suggest they need more space.)
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
Make these questions a part of your campus visit. Make clear that you’re worried about the protection of victims.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
Above all, treat your daughter like the valued grown up she is and insist that her college does the same.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
And one more thing—your daughter might already be a survivor of sexual assault. Make room for that possibility. Be open to her story even if her perpetrator is a family member or a peer who you thought was “such a nice boy.”
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
You might not get to be the expert on sexual violence in that conversation. Your daughter might be the one teaching you.
— Nicole Bedera (@NBedera) January 16, 2020
